There is always the paradox.
Being single well into adulthood comes with many huge benefits, and a lot of deficits. On the one hand, it is a great time to build your career, be free, travel, and learn. Many people in their late twenties and thirties already have some basic life and work experience and are ready to branch out, take chances, and try more of the things that excite them. You can do what you want, when you want, and it is all on you.
On the other hand, being single does come with a lot of questions. Will I get married? Will I have a family? When will I meet this person? The challenge with these questions is that they are out of our control.
Well, sort of.
There are ten fundamental things I have come to believe are within our control – values and practices that I trust will help attract just the right person for you. Setting relationship goals is just the same as chasing dreams in any area of your life. Set goals, but know that these targets are unique. There are several factors out of your control, but knowing what you can control and being who you want is important. So, go ahead and jot down those ideal objectives, but follow these ten tips and you will be sure to feel more at peace with your current situation while becoming the type who attracts your ideal mate.
1) Follow your heart. Whether that means changing jobs, starting a business, getting rid of old friends that didn’t work, or traveling places you’ve always wanted to go. Whatever following your heart means for you, it can’t possibly lead to anyone who isn’t going to help you grow in some way or be the right next step. AND, although I have not had the experiment validated in my life, I strongly believe the right person will show up when you follow your heart. People who are passionate and love what they do are a hundred times more attractive than if they are complacent.
2) Grow as a person. Take a look at your past relationships and find out what you like about who you were, and what you don’t like. Make changes – big changes, to be more of who you know you really are deep down and do the work to get to where you want to go. Your past relationships and past experiences give clues as to where you need to grow. Start looking at every single experience as a learning opportunity. I don’t mean change who you are, nor can I guarantee that the person who broke your heart wasn’t an asshole and that he wasn’t the main problem. Maybe he was! Either way, you get to be better as a person if you choose to be. Look at your past relationships with all men, even your dad. What do you notice about the patterns?
3) Be totally fine on your own, with the exception of the odd day feeling like a victim because you’re single (see #7). There are many freedoms and wonderful things about the single life. Things like when you want to be a total introvert and don’t have to talk to anyone, or not having to consider anyone else in making weekend or even life plans. Relish in how awesome it is and know that if you don’t enjoy it now, one day you will wish you had. Do things you love to do: draw, listen to music, dance. One of my fav things to do is go to the lake and have coffee all morning. I do angel cards, make a bed in the living room, start a fire, draw my dream house, make new bucket lists, and eat bacon. These are some of the most amazing times of my life. Every single person has days or pity party times where they just wish they had that special person. So, have the cry and talk with an understanding friend, but make sure the rest of the time you learn to love being a bad-ass single person.
4) Practice patience. Patience is one of the hardest virtues. But I strongly believe that sometimes amazing people don’t find the right soul mate because they have some big things that need to happen first in life. Maybe the lesson is patience itself. Maybe it is discovering what you can control (yourself) and just learning to focus on that. Maybe it is finding and living into your dream career. Whatever the case, the understanding and belief that life will only give you the best possible scenario is important, and patience to live into finding the special person is so critical. Forcing this important part of your life will only cause less than desirable circumstances. Let it go, and trust that your life is working for you at all times.
5) Be you, Be true. This is different than the above because in your life, you must always be the most you in every situation. The truer you are around people in every situation – your job, your friends, your family – the more you will be released to attract the right person. Where in your life do you lie to yourself or others? One of the biggest lies I’ve ever told myself was as I was walking down the aisle in Jamaica in a wedding dress, and the thought that ran through my head was, “I wonder how long this is going to last?” And then I got married. Total lie. Be you and be truthful to you as much as possible in your life. The more you tell yourself the truth about who you are and how you feel about things in your life, the more your life will begin to give you the feelings and satisfaction you so crave.
6) Be open. I mean energetically, which is hard to describe because it is so abstract. Being open is not something you can just say; it is a way of being. I think everyone is open to a certain extent, while still wanting to have some sort of control over who it is that they meet. I find this one incredibly challenging because I have a picture of exactly who I want in my mind (I’ve made all the dream man lists). But, be open to the right person at the right time without judgment of how it will all happen. Be smart about this though. If a “red flag” shows up, pay attention to that and be realistic with what that means for you. Still, your “dream man” just might show up in a way different from what you expected; be open to this.
7) Have tricks in your back pocket for when you feel lonely. Getting stuck in the lonely feeling only attracts more loneliness. Single women often miss the feeling of the comfort of having someone near them. To sleep with, to talk with, to be with in general. So, it is important to amp up the nurturing – or self care – when you feel those emotions brewing. Watching your fav chick flick, chatting with a kind friend, wrapping up in a cozy blanket, and making a warm cup of tea are all fantastic examples of just how you can do this. One of my tricks is to imagine my future partner kissing me goodnight before bed every night. The truth is, I do this almost every night and it works like a charm – it helps me get excited for my fantastic future rather than dwelling on what is not ideal about my current situation. Other tricks for me are getting dressed up, putting makeup on, rocking a new outfit and meeting up with a good friend for the evening. There is something about feeling pretty that makes a person feel so good. What tricks do you think would work well for you?
8) Is he the one? How many times have you gone on a date and thought, “Well, he could be the one”? And then you start planning out your life, your kids, your house, only to find out a month later that he wasn’t even close. That has happened to me more than I’d like to admit. How do you even know if a person is someone you want to give your time to? Chemistry. But how do you even know if you have chemistry? You have to want to get to know them more. Even if you are unsure, chemistry is that little thing that makes you want to keep learning about them. And, if you are curious and he’s not interested, he’s not the right one. The right one, when he comes along, will make him look completely foolish one day. Another thing: if you are questioning if a man likes you, ask him. When you ask listen for the answer, not for what you want to hear. You will know if it is a committed answer or just a quick and easy one. If he wants to be with you, he will want to make sure you know that he is interested. Pay attention to chemistry while also practicing point number six on being open to just what your ideal man might be like in reality.
9) Act like a lady, perform like a boss. I have a dress with this saying on the front and I love it because it resonates so deeply with me. Just because we are striving to be powerful women in life, doesn’t mean we should forget about being feminine. I’m really old fashioned about this, and I’ve done enough of the pursuing and chasing to know that it doesn’t work for me. I believe the man needs to be the chaser. So often women will get in a relationship, and give so much, only to find out that he’s not really that interested. Being powerful in the pursuit of a relationship also means being a strong female. Know when to have things done for you, and know when it is time for you to do the giving. For example, if you are dating someone new and he never drives over to pick you up, or you are the one who always ends up making all the plans and putting in effort, it isn’t going to work. Know how to be a feminine presence in the pursuit of a relationship, while still being super powerful in your life. It is a challenging balance, but it can be done.
10) Listen to your body. Your body is like a compass showing you where to go. The struggle is in paying attention and listening to it. Every decision in your life – whether it’s over a man or what car to buy – paying attention to how it naturally feels in your physiology is a great guiding system. Way, way back our physiology helped protect us from harm and the same goes for today. When you are in a situation with a person and you are confused about what to do, stop, scan your body, and notice how it feels. If you are getting a stabbing pain in your heart, chances are, it is a bad choice. BUT, if you get butterflies, it might mean something to pursue. Don’t place all your judgment on the physiology, but take notice of it. The more in tune you are with your body, the more naturally you will be able to make choices that are more in alignment with who you are.
There are no mistakes in life. You are single at this time for a very important reason that you will only know when you are past this time. Whatever the reason, you will attract the right person at just the right time with the right circumstances. Truth is, I am living into all of these things including the answers to these questions. Just remember, stay true to what you actually have control over: YOU. Set relationship goals, but then let them go. Life has a way of making things work out in your favour if you are able to let go and be patient. Until your soul mate comes along, go out every single day and become more of your unique, incredible self – be your own fierce, female force and he is sure to come along in admiration of all that you are.
– written by Lou-anne Stefankiw; edited by Melissa Madson and Brittney Bergen.
From Lou-anne to the reader: “After a life-changing event I left my traditional career to start a business in alignment with my life purpose. I travel to many exciting places, train as a CrossFit and Strongwoman athlete, and every day I am finding the fire inside that I so wanted to feel! I am passionate about teaching people the tools that can help them connect to igniting the fire within. I have a 6-week Ignite course to get you started on the transformation you are looking for. I plan to have a Connect to Your Body, Connect to Your Fire two-day retreat in the new year. I am also looking for clients who are ready to be truly committed to their own transformation and to work intimately with me for 6-months. If you are interested, PM me on Facebook or email firstname.lastname@example.org. Even if you have no idea if it is for you, but you are interested, give me a shout! I’d love to hear from you!”
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