4 Steps to Being Less Crazy and Actually Living Happily Ever After
Written by a 27-year-old spinster.
You might be “that crazy girl” if…
- Your texts to the guy you like start with, “I swear I’m not crazy but…”
- You need to draft your thoughts in a separate note before you send him a message.
- You have to ask a friend for feedback before you can click “send”: “Does this sound crazy?”
I know because I was deleting old notes in my phone and found all my drafts of craziness – usually some kind of wild ultimatum reminding him why I’m the perfect woman for him, and what he needs to do so I don’t give up on him. (Another sign you’re “that crazy girl” is in hindsight you can see all of your crazy).
I think there’s a strong correlation between being this girl and ending up unhappy in your relationships, and this is what I think the real problem is: You’re not being present in your relationships. You’re living in some hypothetical future with the person you’re talking with, and you’re not letting it build in the beautiful, organic way most successful relationships grow.
You’re so busy looking off in the distance for Mr. Right that you wouldn’t even recognize him if he walked right into your life and sat his perfect backside on your doorstep.
So here are 4 steps to being a little less crazy and stumbling on that lasting love:
Step 1: Burn that motherfucking dream man list.
Mr. Right is the guy who fulfills 22/22 on the dream man list. (Oh, you mean your list didn’t have 22 points? Mine did…)
I’m not saying that guy doesn’t exist, but what I am saying is that list is limiting you!
It’s good to know your beliefs and values and look for someone who has similar ones, but guess what? You’re going to change and grow so much that you’ll be fucked if you select your mate based on the list you draft today.
Because of the field I work in, I know so many people who’ve fallen in love with fitness or personal development, and when their partner doesn’t, guess what happens? They split.
I know people who’ve been super religious, and then as they get older they choose a different path. If you asked them when they were younger they would have said they needed a man with the same beliefs as them, but guess what? Even the things you think you believe deep within your core are going to change throughout your life.
So, at 27, the next time I find my dream man list (it’s around somewhere), I’m throwing that limiting beast in the fire.
I know that any guy I’ve ever dated wouldn’t be good for me right now (but I realize and appreciate they all taught me important lessons along the way), and I’m open to him showing up, just as he is, right now with zero expectations.
Step Two: Be present in your relationships and let them grow organically.
Embrace Mr. Right Now.
Who is he?
He could be anyone. Your neighbour. The guy at the gym. Some dude who lives in Texas. Heck, I don’t know, but I gave him this name for a reason:
He’s the guy you’re able to be in the moment with. He indirectly helps you break your stupid habit of scheming your entire life together after a few minutes of talking because you’re too busy laughing at his jokes. He’s the one who’s full of surprises. He shows you sides of himself you haven’t seen in guys before. The games aren’t there. You don’t need to wonder if he likes you because you’re too busy having fun with him. You find each other fascinating.
He’s the guy whose company you can just appreciate for what it is right now. What you have with him might grow into something beautiful and it might be nothing or it might crash and burn but none of that matters because for once, you’re actually living in the now, and you’re loving it!
Your life doesn’t exist in some rare and perfect tomorrow. It’s right here, right now, in this moment.
Step Three: Screw Mr. Right (that would probably be nice…), focus on becoming Ms. Right!
I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times (if everyone is saying it – we should probably pay attention). “You’ll find him when you stop looking.”
I think the only way to stop looking outward for “Mr. Right” is to start looking inward and figure out how you can become “Ms. Right.”
Focus on becoming the person you want to meet.
I’ve learned that whenever I find myself thinking, “Woe is me,” and wish someone would come save me in an area of my life (finances, business, and relationships are the hard areas for me. For others, weight loss, etc.) I need to suck it up, shift my perspective, and ask, “What is it that I still need to learn in order to succeed in this area of my life?” and I need to do some work and grow.
Replace that dream man list with a “Dream Me” list. Transform your crazy girl into crazy-AMAZING girl and you’re bound to attract someone who mirrors that!
Step Four: Grow Together (“Work, work, work, work.”)
I find relationships fascinating, and I’m always asking people who I consider to be in successful relationships what made it work, and they usually say things like this:
- “Yes, relationships take work, but when you’re with the right person, it just fits.”
- “The right person is the one you can be totally yourself around, and they just get it.”
And it’s so funny how often I hear something like this, “It’s funny, because I would have never in a million years picked him as the guy I’d marry.” (The list was a LIE!)
But bottom line? Even awesome things take work. And this is relationship advice coming from a spinster (so you can take it or leave it), but I think if you feel a strong enough connection with someone because you can really be present with each other, and if he puts in the work to make you feel the way you’ve always wanted to feel (and if you do the same for him), my guess is that’s what’s going to make the relationship last forever – and not that he matched 22/22 of your criteria on your dream-man list.
Take a TORCH to that list!
Be present in your relationships and enjoy the part you’re at instead of pushing it to the next phase too fast.
Learn, and grow into a crazy-amazing Ms. Right, and open yourself up to the idea of Mr. Right Now, because really, what else are we guaranteed?
“Live your life. Take chances. Be crazy. Don’t wait. Because right now is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.” – some sign on my spinster wall
If you like my writing, sign up for my newsletter now!