Health · Love · Relationships

True Love is Built, Not Found

By Brittney Bergen

We’re all looking for “true love,” and if you’re like me, you imagine it isn’t going to be messy. You long for a love that is:

  • Always happy
  • Always connected
  • Always supportive

You long to be with your “soulmate.”

I believe we can get there. Most of us have to be willing to build it, rather than live our lives hoping we stumble upon it.

The Truth About True Love

The truth is, true love can be one of the messiest things you’ll ever experience. You’re showing up bearing your heart and soul (and body) in front of another person. Doesn’t it make sense that…

  • The pain inside of yourself you’ve kept hidden comes up to be healed?
  • There will be moments you feel uncomfortable?

A true soulmate connection isn’t one that isn’t messy. True love happens when:

  • You show up bearing your entire soul. They do the same.
  • You share the parts of you you’ve labelled as “dark,” and your partner accepts them, transforming them into lig
    ht. You do the same for them.
  • You help each other fan the flame of your light even brighter.


True soulmate relationships happen by CHOICE, not by chance.

Soulmates Show Up to Fast Track Your Healing

 “If you want to talk about spirituality that’s wonderful. Going and sitting and praying is a beautiful thing. Going in a cave and meditating – that’s not an accomplishment. Try being with a human being you love 24/7, whose love you desire, and keep growing spiritually there. That’s where you’re gonna be challenged. Not by yourself.” – Tony Robbins

Everyone who shows up into your life is a mirror – and because we show up most vulnerably with romantic lovers, they can shine back our deepest truths. They’ve shown up in your life to reflect back to you:

  • All your greatness
  • All your unhealed parts

Your romantic relationships are in your life to remind you how awesome you are, and to reveal to you where you still get to heal.

Do You Leave When It Gets Challenging?

Nothing makes us feel awesome like a good honeymoon phase! And then the shadows and shit shows up and we tend to give up or get out.

If you’ve been showing up bearing your full soul in every relationship you’ve had, it’s normal for it to:

  1. Have a Honeymoon Phase

This is the part where all you see is your partner’s light. Guess what: everything you think is SO amazing about them? It’s true of you, too.

Try this little activity. Make a list of all the things you love and admire about your current or last partner. Ask yourself, “Is it possible that’s true of me, too?”

Often, we praise the characteristics in those around us without admitting they’re our mirrors – we have those characteristics, too!

  1. Bring Out Your Shit

And the more of it you have to heal, the more that will come up in your open and honest relationship.

In your soulmate relationship, when the shit comes up:

  • If it’s your shit, your partner will hold the space for you to heal it
  • If it’s your partner’s shit, you’ll hold the space for them to heal it
  • If it’s both of your shit (this is when fights can happen), you choose to take a deep breath and see it as an opportunity to heal together and to choose more of the love you’ve been longing for.

When The Shit Hits the Fan

Ask yourselves:

  1. What am I feeling?
  2. What’s going on underneath this feeling?
  3. Does this situation remind me of something painful in my past?
  4. What limiting belief am I holding onto that I have the opportunity to heal right now?
  5. What do I want to feel right now?
  6. What action can I take right now to create that feeling in my life?

Here’s an example: Imagine you come home after having a challenging day and your partner is watching TV and the house is a mess. You want to connect with your partner, and she or he is too focussed on the television to listen to you.

  1. You notice you feel sad or angry.
  2. Underneath this feeling, you realize what you’re really feeling is worthless or insignificant, and disconnected.
  3. When you were a child you felt worthless or insignificant and disconnected if your parents chose to watch TV instead of paying attention to you while you were playing in front of them.
  4. The limiting belief you’re holding onto is, “I am worthless,” or, “I am insignificant.”
  5. What I want to be feeling is worthy of attention, significant, and connected.
  6. You can share the process you just went through with your partner, and ask “What I really want to feel right now is worthy of your attention, significant, and connected. Will you help me to remember that I am worthy of your time, and that I’m significant? Will you connect with me?”

You can use this process anytime shit hits the fan between you and your significant other to build the true love you’re longing for. Every time you go through the process and take an action towards what you want to be feeling, you’re letting go of an old pattern and claiming you are worthy of new levels of love, joy, connection, happiness, or whatever it is you’re wanting to feel in that moment.

Do this enough times, and before you know it, you’ll be experiencing the true love you’ve been looking for.

True love isn’t found. It’s built.

Related Articles:

Transform Yourself With Positive Self-Talk

Top 10 Tips to Being a Fierce Single Female, while Attracting Your Perfect Soul Mate

Stop Looking for Mr. Right; Start Looking for Mr. Right Now

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