By Brittney Bergen
I had this realization yesterday: Every time I let myself go deep into the depths of my darkness, I come out on the other side ready to hold more light than what was previously possible for me.
I had a client (one of my incredible beings of light) cry during our coaching call. She shared, “I feel so bad that you always see me like this. I must be exhausting to be around. I feel like I keep hitting this same low.”
“Do I look exhausted?” I shared with her as I basked in the rays of sun on my patio. I was soaking up my dream life.
She giggled – a smile in the midst of sadness – “No.”
A friend of mine came and visitted me a couple weeks ago. She was vulnerable with me. She was open about the struggles in her life. She fully received my support. I hugged her and loved up on her and guided her through a yoga practice and put on a beautiful meditation from one of my fav teachers, Sarah Blondin I made her a delicious, macro-friendly meal, and she allowed herself to enjoy it (without tracking her macros).
She received, and in her own way, she tried to apologize for not giving to me.
“Do I look unhappy?” I asked her with the biggest smile on my face.
I’m livin’ the good life
What both of these ladies didn’t know, is that I had gone through my own lows the day before. The demons (and by that I mean limiting beliefs) I hadn’t dealt with deep inside of me muscled their way up. They shook me with uncomfortable sensations. “Notice me!” they begged.
They were coming up so I could heal them. (Those demons ain’t so bad after all.)
What both of those ladies didn’t know is this: in their moments of weakness and vulnerability, they were giving both me, and themselves our greatest gifts:
- They allowed me to shine in my full expression. They gave me the chance to share from the things I have learned on my journey back to my Self. They created an opportunity for me to do what I believe we’re all destined to do when we’re in full alignment with our souls: they gave me the gift of selfless service.
- They opened up to a deeper experience of love. When we lean into discomfort when someone is holding the space into which we can expand, we open up to a deeper level of connection with them. We can then take what we learned and bring it into our relationships with others.
These ladies showed up in their darkness. I asked them to do “weird” things, like breathe into their feelings and let them speak. They did it. I sat with them in silence while the emotions were running high (that alone is uncomfortable enough for most of us). They sat there, and connected with their breath.
They learned it was safe to show up fully. They learned it was safe to try new things in the name of their love. They learned how to listen to the messages their bodies were telling them, and how to lean into new experiences of love and connection with a trusted friend and mentor.
And here’s what I feel is the most important point. And here’s the thing I only just put together yesterday: When we fully go into our lows, we consciously declare, “No!” to something we had unconsciously been saying, “Yes,” to.
Everything in your life right now you’ve said, “Yes,” to. Whether it was conscious or not, you said, “Yes” to it. Your unhappy relationships, the body you don’t love, the kitchen that isn’t decorated the way you want it – you’ve said, “Yes” to it all.
It’s only when we open up to letting ourself feel the pain underneath these things that we can get to a point where we say, “No more.”
“What you resist, persists.”
- By resisting feeling the unhappy feelings in your relationship, you’re allowing it to persist.
- By avoiding looking (I mean really looking) at yourself in the mirror, you’re perpetuating the things about your body that you don’t like.
- When you choose to walk into your kitchen every day, just as it is, you say, “Yes,” to keeping it that way.
As soon as you choose to lean into, and take the time to feel the feelings you’ve been pushing down (probably about your relationships and body more than your kitchen) you move from unconscious or unaware of the feelings and resulting behaviours to conscious and aware.
You KNOW and SENSE the feelings that you once REPRESSED. And it’s in this place of pain that you declare, “No! I don’t want this anymore. This is not the experience of life that I believe in in my depths. Deep down, I know there’s more to life than this.”
And there is more, dear one, but only if you’re willing to first say, “No!” to what it is you’ve been unconsciously or consciously saying, “Yes” to.
This doesn’t mean you:
- End the relationship
- Start busting your butt in the gym
- Renovate your gawdy kitchen
It COULD mean those things, or it could also mean you:
- Give voice to the things that are causing you pain in your relationship, and ask your partner to step into a new reality with you.
- Look yourself in the eye in the mirror for once, and declare, “Today I choose to love you. Today I choose to accept you just as you are, right now.”
- Celebrate the fact that you have a warm and cozy place to cook your meals, and open up a savings account to put 100 bucks a month in for future renos
What I am saying my friend is: please, please feel your lows. Please have the willingness to go there.
For when you feel your lows and declare, “No more,” you open up a new way of being for all of us. You show us that we have the power to free ourselves from our past pain. You release yourself from your unconscious commitments and become the conscious creator of your own heaven on earth.
The greatest gift you can give yourself is going all the way in. The greatest gift you can give someone else is allowing them to hold the space for your healing.
And that’s the final point I want to share: you don’t have to go through your healing alone. There are tons of people – friends, therapists, online coaches and mentors – willing to walk the path with you.
Please, ask for support. (Heck, send me an email right now and let me know what darkness you’ve been afraid to venture into. I’ll do whatever I can to assist you – even if that’s referring you to someone else who would be your perfect growth partner.)
But whatever you do, stop pushing your feelings down. Stop stopping yourself in conversation when things are about to get a little “weird” or vulnerable in the name of greater love and truth.
Go there, and get ready to experience the elevated existence on the other side.